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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28673925">Self-Destruction of the Worst Kind</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherry_TheGenZ/pseuds/Cherry_TheGenZ'>Cherry_TheGenZ</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Drowning (And it Burns) [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Arguing, Arguments, Blood, Character Death, Flower meanings, Flowers, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt No Comfort, LMAO, M/M, Purple Hyacinth, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love, fight, hyacinth - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:36:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,686</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28673925</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherry_TheGenZ/pseuds/Cherry_TheGenZ</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dream only has eyes for George, and Sapnap wants to destroy himself for it.</p><p>He doesn't need to destroy himself, as the flowers growing in his lungs are already doing it for him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, One-Sided Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Drowning (And it Burns) [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2287058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>264</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>MCYT</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Self-Destruction of the Worst Kind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>it was just supposed to be unrequited love then whoops hanahaki disease awjdkwnoiwa</p><p>pain (:</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It hurts. It is a constant ache in his heart, weighing heavier each day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sapnap has two best friends. He loves both of them, but he knows that for years one has tangled around his heart and squeezed it dry of its love.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hates it. He hates his own heart, for falling and falling with no care. He hates his heart for beating faster around the masked man. Even more so does he hate himself for loving Dream.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It is a painful type of love. Unrequited love is an old friend of Sapnap’s, but watching as the one he loves falls for another hurts in ways he could never imagine. It makes him want to claw out his heart if only to make it stop stinging.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Somedays, he wants to yell it to the world. Not of joy but of anger; of self-hatred. He wants to admit to the guilty act of falling for your own best friend, for loving Dream even when Dream smiled so prettily for George. He wants to scream to the world that he is terrible for loving Dream, for even thinking of taking Dream from who makes him truly happy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Other days, he wants to curl into a ball and hide from the world. He wants to hide from everything hurting him, from everything painful. He knows he can’t really, not for long, but he can stay in his apartment all day and ignore all the calls and messages he receives. On those days, he sits on the floor with tears slowly trickling down his cheeks as his heart pulses with pain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And other times- a lot of times - Sapnap hates himself. He hates the vines of jealousy that grow in his chest everytime he looks at George. He hates how Dream will never love him, because he isn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>good enough </span>
  </em>
  <span>for Dream. He never will be, and it hurts. It hurts and he hates that it hurts. He wishes he didn’t love Dream, because it destroyed him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It destroyed him every time Dream begged George to say the words ‘I love you’. Because Sapnap would say those same three words so readily if Dream wanted him to. But Dream didn’t want him to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sapnap could try putting himself into their group, but he knew Dream only </span>
  <em>
    <span>saw </span>
  </em>
  <span>George. Dream would look, but in his mind the only one who mattered to him was George. Never Sapnap. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Never.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Sapnap hates even more how blind George is to such a wonderful person loving him- he loathes George’s blind eyes, Dream’s undying affection, and even more so his own traitorous heart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It is a slow realization- Sapnap believes the roots growing in his lungs are vines of jealousy, tendrils of pain. And in a way, they are. But they are also physical signs of his own love.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He does realize when one day- another painful day of watching Dream only look at George - he coughs up a petal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s a brilliant purple, stained dark with blood.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t understand. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>He cannot understand it, he has no clue as to why he coughed up a petal of all things- but he lives in a modern age with search engines, and so he researches it in a panic. He can feel a tickling feeling in his lungs, and he coughs once more. It lasts more than a few seconds, making his throat hurt and he stares through tears of pain onto his phone screen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hanahaki disease.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sapnap wishes it were fake. But it isn’t, and it won’t be because he coughs out petals on the daily. Maybe he should talk to a doctor about it, or really </span>
  <em>
    <span>anybody.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One day, Karl calls him- Sapnap thinks it’s fine, he hasn’t really talked to any of his friends (especially not George or Dream) for a few days, giving the excuse of being busy until the unforeseeable future. But then he begins coughing, and he doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop </span>
  </em>
  <span>coughing. He barely hears Karl’s shouts of concern over his own coughs. Some small, purple petals leave his lungs- but worse is the full flower that he coughs out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He has no clue what flower it is, but it’s pretty. A shame it’s covered in blood, Sapnap thinks before remembering he was still on call.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sapnap! You finally stopped coughing, oh my god! Is that why you’ve been busy? Are you sick? Did you go to the hospital?!” Karl’s rambling out of worry, and Sapnap chuckles. It sounds pitiful, even to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just sick, Karl. Sorry, but I think I’m gonna hang up now.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Karl agrees, and Sapnap hangs up as quick as possible, beginning to choke on coughs again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sapnap quickly gives a terrible description of the flower to search for what it is, and he reads the closest description.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyacinth (Purple) - I am Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Sorrow</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lets out an amused chuckle, mixed with pain and resignation. Because that means these flowers are a sign in themselves of his love, of his own mistakes. He hates that these flowers expose his inner thoughts, his own quiet apologies for loving Dream- he hates it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s hated his own traitorous heart, and now he hates the flowers that are a sign of his own love that will never be returned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It is not as though Sapnap has not done extensive research. He could get surgery for it; he could remove it and be normal and be </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine. </span>
  </em>
  <span>A small part of him wants to- wants to be free from this painful love and his hurtful feelings. It would be so easy, so </span>
  <em>
    <span>simple. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He could joke with Dream and George without using his laughter to hide his pain. He could look at Dream as only a friend, like he had in simpler times.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But a terrible, selfish part of his heart doesn’t want to. He wants to keep this love, to keep Dream in his heart even if he loathes to. Sapnap knows he’s selfish. He always has been.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wonders if it really matters if he’s selfish if he’s going to die soon anyways.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Late at night, he receives multiple calls from Dream. He wants to pick up. He wants to hear Dream’s voice, but he knows it will only hurt even more. But he refrains. Because he’s going to die soon- he’s resigned himself to his fate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If he distances himself, none of his friends will be burdened with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dream’s been calling Sapnap for </span>
  <em>
    <span>days </span>
  </em>
  <span>now. They haven’t spoken in weeks, something they haven’t done for years now. It concerns and scares him. He wants to know if he did something wrong, if Sapnap was angry at him and that’s why they haven’t talked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But each time he calls, it’s left unanswered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s worried and angry. Because what if something happened to Sapnap? He’s his </span>
  <em>
    <span>best friend. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And for the same reason Dream is angry- what if something happened to Sapnap and Sapnap </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>go to him? </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Dream doesn’t know if he’s angry at Sapnap or himself. He feels like it’s himself, but he’s not sure if he’s ready to admit that, so instead he decides to go to Sapnap in person.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sapnap’s apartment is quiet. Dream knocks on the door. Will Sapnap even answer?</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>The door creaks open to reveal Sapnap.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks like a mess. His skin is much paler than Dream’s ever seen it. Under his eyes are dark eyebags, clearly showing how little Sapnap’s slept. Even Sapnap’s reactions are slow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dream?” Sapnap asks, looking up to the blond. Dream doesn’t know why, but he’s angry. He’s mad that Sapnap hasn’t been taking care of himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sapnap, what the hell. Why do you look like </span>
  <em>
    <span>this? </span>
  </em>
  <span>What the hell </span>
  <em>
    <span>happened?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Dream questions, annoyance filling his features. It sprouts from worry, concern, and anxiety- all turning into anger.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sapnap looks away, shrugging, “I’m sick.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“C’mon, we both know that isn’t true,” Dream responds, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Look </span>
  </em>
  <span>at yourself!”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>There’s a moment of silence between the two, anger from both of them making the air tense and uncomfortable. Sapnap just sighs and avoids eye contact, “Why are you even </span>
  <em>
    <span>here?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dream’s offended, “Because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>care, Sapnap! </span>
  </em>
  <span>Because </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>decided to ghost me and all the rest of your friends! Because for some reason </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>thought you could suffer all alone in your apartment!”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Sapnap flinches from Dream’s loud yells before glaring at him, “Well maybe there’s a </span>
  <em>
    <span>reason </span>
  </em>
  <span>I didn’t answer your calls! Because it’s none of your </span>
  <em>
    <span>business!”</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <span>Dream wasn’t expecting that. He didn’t want to think Sapnap was purposely ignoring him, even if he knew it was the truth. Anger bubbled in his chest, “I-”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>But Sapnap interrupts him by lightly pushing him away from his front door, “Leave. I don’t know why you came here, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>leave.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Dream is quiet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turns around and leaves.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sapnap closes the door, immediately falling to the floor. Blood and flowers fall into his hands. They don’t stop. They’re not </span>
  <em>
    <span>stopping, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and Sapnap cannot </span>
  <em>
    <span>breathe- </span>
  </em>
  <span>his lungs don’t take in air with the flowers growing and feeding off his hurt, blocking his airways and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>chokes. </span>
  </em>
  <span>It hurts. It hurts, so, so much and he doesn’t want to die.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But then it wouldn’t hurt, right?</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Sapnap dies quietly. Not peacefully, but quietly as he stops struggling for air.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His apartment is quiet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dream does not know that the same day he visited his best friend is the same day that Sapnap dies. Dream does not know until he gets a call from Sapnap’s parents.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He cries. He cries, and he regrets- but regretting is not enough. Because no matter how much Dream regrets, he could not bring himself to love Sapnap.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It is cold. The chill seeps into his bones, a fitting feeling for the pain taking hold of Karl’s chest. Tears stream down his cheeks as he kneels with his head leaning against a gravestone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It reads </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sapnap. A loving friend.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Small, light blue flowers fall from Karl’s mouth to the grass underneath him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Forget-me-not</span>
  </em>
  <span>s. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fitting, for the undying love Karl holds in his heart even when the one he loved is gone. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ty for reading ~~ i love comments :D</p><p>for any info on me, check my profile &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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